


It’s Like, Really Gay

by nariesu



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gay, M/M, MacDennis - Freeform, NSFW, Not serious at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-17 02:55:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14823872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nariesu/pseuds/nariesu
Summary: Mac finds himself in a tough position: He's in love with his best friend, Dennis. But Mac and Dennis aren't really what you would call "stable". Additionally, Mac has a little issue with God approving his sexual orientation. Will the relationship work, or will it fall apart like most of their shenanigans?A parody on my old friend's story, "It's Like Fate" on Wattpad.





	1. Best Friend

He looked at me smiling. I blushed. He's so cute when he smiles. I thought. Stop sinning, Mac! Don't you want to be worthy in God's eyes? You know homosexuality is a sin! I took another shot to forget my unholy actions.

───────────────  
10:05 p.m.  
On a Thursday  
Paddy's Pub  
Mac's POV

It was after work. I sat in front of the bar and went on my phone. It was an exhausting day of patrolling Paddy's Pub. I was going to get myself a drink but then I remembered I don't know how to. I groaned. Where's Dennis? I pondered. That stupid bitch is supposed to be here serving drinks.

Suddenly I heard the front doors open. It was Dennis. I ran up to him.  
"Hey." He said smiling.  
"Hi" I replied. I could feel myself blush lightly. Then his no good-of-a-girlfriend Artemis walked in.  
"Hiiii guyysss. Oh my God babe i need some money!" She grabbed him close to her. I could do better than that slut.  
"No, please..." Dennis said in disgust. She started to whine like a puppy and grind on him slowly.  
Dennis' face turned red. I shot him a dirty look starting to feel jealous. He slipped $200 in her pocket. I wanted to punch that fucking whore.  
"Thanks baby. I hope you're ready for the wild ride I have in store for us tonight!" Artemis giggled as she winked and bit her lip. Dennis winked back. She left. I can't believe how much Artemis is taking advantage of him!

"Are you fucking serious bro?" I said to Dennis.  
"... What?"  
"Fucking kidding me..." I muttered as I walked to the other side of the bar, turning my back on him. He followed.  
"What the hell are you talking about dude?" He asked laughing a little.  
"Can't you see she's using you for your money?" I sassed.  
Dennis glared at me. "You don't even know what love is."  
I looked down at the ground thinking sad things... very sad things. "You know what? Fuck you man."

I quickly walked to a booth with my head down. My voice and body felt weak for even a muscular guy like me. I felt all alone... "I should die." I mumbled. Dennis walked over and sat down next to me.  
"Well I don't think so." Goddamnit, it was him again.  
"Dennis why do you let her her do that to you?" He looked away from me. There was an awkward silence.  
"ANSWER ME" I yelled.  
"I don't know!"  
Our hands accidentally touched. I could feel the tingles... the gay... I knew he could feel it too. We both blushed and ignored it.  
"Mac, do you, uh... want to catch a movie?" Dennis asked.  
"Hell yeah! Lets go see Thunder Gun Express!"  
He smiled and nodded. I think we just had a moment.

───────────────  
10:47 p.m.  
Mac's Apartment  
Dennis' POV

I thought seeing Thunder Gun Express would take my mind off Artemis since we broke up. I should tell Mac but I don't think he's ready.

I knocked on his apartment door. His roommate and our coworker, Frank, opened the door followed by a smell of garbage and blood. The short stalky man shot me a confused look as he chewed on peaches with his mouth open.  
"What the hell are you doing at this time of day, Dennis?" He asked as juice dripped down his dry lips.  
"Jesus Christ Frank, you're fucking disgusting, you know that?" I buried my face in my hands and shook my head. "We're going to see a movie. Where's Mac?"  
"He's still getting ready. C'mon in." I sat down on a gross, dirty couch with small blood stains. I made a face in disgust.  
"Do you want some beer?" Frank asked.  
"I'm good."

A moment later, Mac walked out. Something about him looked different this time and I'm not sure why. After all of these years of friendship, I couldn't stop looking at his gorgeous dark eyes and his nicely combed hair... Goddamnit shut up Dennis.  
"Dude lets go." Mac said. We waved Frank goodbye. As we walked down the hall, he got closer to me. Uh, what the hell is happening?  
"So you dumped Artemis?" Mac asked. He moved his hand onto mine, but I hesitated.  
"Yeah. You were right, she was using me."  
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU DUDE! I TOLD YOU I WAS RIGHT!" Mac yelled excitedly as he did one of his stupid karate punches in the air.

While we were heading to the movie I could still feel the heartache. I was still thinking of that perfectly beautiful plump body. Those plump breasts. God, those boobs. Everything about her breasts. I need to get my mind off her.

───────────────  
11:02 p.m.  
Movie Theater  
Mac's POV

He looked so oblivious. He never noticed how nice my clothes were. No wonder why girls are lesbians nowadays. I frowned as we walked passed the ice cream shop.  
"Hey want to get some ice cream dude?"  
"Yeah, sure."  
He bought the ice cream. He got a small vanilla for him and a large chocolate one for me, my favorite.  
"You make me seem fat!" I giggled.  
He smiled. God that smile. It makes me want to turn gay for him. Wait what the fuck am I doing?! Why do I want to be with Dennis? I can't be gay, that's a sin!  
"Are you okay?" Dennis asked with worries. I nodded and smiled. He looked away and blushed. Maybe I have a chance... no Mac, shut up! You know God can hear your thoughts.

Before I knew it, Dennis was a couple feet ahead of me. "WAIT!" I shouted as I sprinted.  
"WELL THEN HURRY THE FUCK UP!" He shouted back. I stood back in shock. Why did his mood suddenly change? Wait, I know! He must of gotten a text from that fat whore. I grabbed his phone and smashed it.  
"WHAT THE—"  
"Don't fucking even bro." I interrupted him. "Get over her! She never loved you! She just wanted our Dick Towel money! Now smile, you dick!"  
Dennis sighed. "You're right. I'll, uh, try..."  
"Lets just go home. The movie will be on Netflix anyway." I suggested as I slipped my hand onto his. He held the grip. I leaned in for a kiss and he didn't hesitate. We both turned red.  
"See you at work tomorrow?" Dennis asked.  
I nodded. "Yeah."

───────────────  
That day, I think we were going to end up being like one of those gay couples. But I can't. God will punish me. But is it too late? Have I sinned too much? God, why is this so confusing!


	2. I Kissed Him

Fuck how could I just... kiss him?! His sweet, sweet lips. Now we haven't talked in days. I'm so sorry God, please forgive me for I have sinned.

───────────────  
12:13 a.m.  
On a Sunday  
Mac's Apartment  
Mac's POV

I laid on the couch staring at the ceiling. I haven't gone into work in three days now. Frank was worried I was going to starve myself, but I don't care. All I cared now is him. That kiss. Our future. My sins. I just wanted him to text me and end my mystery.  
I heard a sound coming from my phone. I rushed to unlock it, and sure enough, it was him! He asked if he could come over. I immediately replied with yes. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach now!

───────────────  
12:29 a.m.  
Mac's Apartment  
Dennis' POV

I knocked on the door but it was open for some reason. I creeped in. "Mac? Are you there?" Mac came out from the room in the back.  
"Sorry about the uh... mess." I said quickly as I looked away.  
"No I should be," said Mac. "I didn't mean to just kiss you!"  
"Well I uh... liked it."  
"WAIT WHAT?! REALLY!" Mac yelled. He smiled at first but then his expression suddenly changed to fear.  
"I know, I know... I was freaked out too. And I know you're freaked out too because of your Catholic thing." I said. Mac was rubbing his eyes in disbelief, probably wondering how much God hates him.  
"I'm sorry for turning you gay bro." Mac apologized. There was an awkward silence as we looked around the room. Eventually I decided to break the ice:  
"Lets just forget about it."  
"Yeah..." Mac agreed. "Lets watch something."  
Mac turned on the TV. He sat next to me. He scooted closer. I really wanted to get close. I scooted closer to him. When we looked at each other I put my hand on his cheek. His dark eyes were too hard to resist. I leaned in kissing his lips hard and pushed him down on the couch. I continued as I felt him moan. I could tell he really liked it. I moved my hands up and down his twink body under his shirt. We broke the kiss for air and suddenly noticed what we have just done.  
"Goddamnit!" I snapped.  
"I can't believe..."  
"FUCK!" we both yelled.  
"I—I have to leave." I said running out. He grabbed my hand.  
"I'm sorry, Dennis. You're my best friend. I need you. Please stay."  
I sighed. I decided to stay for Mac's sake. We both agreed it would be best for us to sleep on opposite sides of the room, covered up. However, we ended up watching a movie instead. Frank was in the other room doing something fucking weird as usual. When I looked at Mac I got a little hard by is lips. His mmmm body.

"Uh, Mac..." He nodded. "About the kiss—"  
"What are you talking about?" He interrupted.  
"Did you feel anything?" I asked.  
He ignored me by watching the movie.  
"DID YOU FUCKING FEEL ANYTHING, MAC?" I yelled. Mac continued to ignore me so I pushed him. "Goddamnit Mac, please just answer the question!"  
"YES I DID! CAN YOU STOP NOW?!" He snapped. I slapped him. Mac didn't need to give me sass. Mac put his hands on my check and began to kiss me. I started to rub him again. He let a moan out into my mouth.

Then I heard footsteps — it was Frank. He gasped as he dropped his monster condoms on the floor.  
Mac looked up in horror. "Oh shit—"  
"Uh Dennis, you've got to go." Mac said getting up. "Frank!"  
I grabbed my shit and left the apartment. Christ, Mac look what you did! I hope this doesn't change anything.


	3. Talk to Me!

───────────────  
5:50 p.m.  
On a Monday  
Dennis' Apartment  
Dennis' POV

I frowned looking at my phone. No calls. No texts. God I hope Mac's okay. I threw my phone on the bed and and left my room. I decided I needed to distract myself by hanging out with Charlie. I know, what a loser.

Charlie may have some, uh, "interesting" quirks to say the least (such as eating cat food and sniffing glue). But now that I've been spending more time with him due to the Mac shit, we have gotten closer.

I sat next to him as he ate some moldy looking cheese. "Hey man I just found this awesome cheese in the couch, do you want some?" Charlie asked.  
"No thanks," I replied. "I like being healthy and normal." There was a short pause.  
"Hey Charlie?" I asked.  
"Yeah?"  
"Uhm... I kissed Mac."  
"Oh okay." Charlie replied nonchalantly. His face was expressionless. "Why now?"  
"Uh... puberty."  
"Sure." Charlie said sarcastically as he continued to peal his couch cheese.  
"Mac liked it too."  
"Huh." Charlie said pretending to give a shit.  
"Oh my God Charlie at least pretend to be surprised!" I snapped.  
He glared at me. "I—I—I'm sorry am I supposed to?! The whole gang has known this shit for years!"  
"God Charlie you piss me—" I put my hand on my forehead and exhaled sharply trying not to get to lose my cool. "Just, what should I do man? I don't know if I..." I groaned. "'love' him."  
"Maybe get to know Mac more. I don't know maybe go on dates with him. You could end up learning different stuff about him by dating."  
"Wow Charlie that was actually not bullshit advice for once." I said in genuine surprise.  
"Any time. Are you sure you don't want this cheese?" He asked me.  
"Yeah no thanks."

I went back to my room and decided to text him: "Heyo, call me? We need to talk." Once I was done I returned to the couch with Charlie.


	4. Don't Give Up~

───────────────  
5:50 p.m.  
On a Monday  
Mac's Apartment  
Mac's POV

"Oh Christ Frank are you still mad about the Dennis thing?" I asked him. He continued to clean his toe nails with his toe knife. "It was nothing, I swear!"  
"You're gay, that is something." Frank jeered.  
"No I'm not, and if I was I would have already been sent to hell. It was just a one time thing! Why does this matter so much to you?"  
"This could change you, Mac." Frank replied. "I can't deal with orgies and stuff like that."  
"Frank that's—" I shook my head. "Oh whatever. Just listen. It won't happen again, okay?"  
He got up and slapped me. "I will not tolerate any gay in my place!"  
"You know what, I'm fucking done!" I yelled at him. I grabbed the toe knife from him and threw it out the window.  
"HEY THAT WAS MY ONLY GOOD KNIFE!" Frank shouted. I ignored him. I had so much rage and insanity in me. I rushed to grabbed my clothes, car keys, then stormed off. I instantly decided to head off to Dennis' place. When I decided to text him that I was going to be there, I missed fifteen phone calls and fifty-eight text messages.

───────────────  
6:02 p.m.  
On a Monday  
Dennis' Apartment  
Mac's POV

I walked up to his apartment and knocked on the door. Dennis opened the door, standing shyly as a warm breeze hit me. He was only wearing his Spongebob boxers and I was about to see his "V". I smiled. "Hey."  
"Hello." Dennis said as he gestured for me to come in. He closed the door behind me.  
"Can I stay at your place for a little while? Frank's being a real goddamn asshole." I asked Dennis.  
"Sure, Charlie loves sleepovers."  
"Where is he?"  
"Oh feeding the ally cats as usual." He reassured me.  
"Come in my room with me." Dennis told me. I followed him into his bedroom. "Wanna sleep with me?"  
"Uh I think it's better I sleep on the couch." I replied.  
"Are you sure? Charlie just found moldy cheese in there today. I think you should stay with me. I'll keep you safe"  
"Okay." I said blushing. I started to undress myself.

───────────────  
6:07 p.m.  
Dennis' POV

Now that the first "N" in the "D.E.N.N.I.S." system has been executed it is time for the next "N": Nurture dependence. So I laid in bed and stared at him. Gaze, really. Very seductively. I watched him as he took off his shirt, with the "V" being noticeable. I bit my lips as he took off his pants, revealing his Batman boxers. Fuck, that's hot. What a sexy beast.  
"Fucking hot..." I softly whispered.  
"What?" Mac asked raising an eyebrow in confusion.  
"Uh nothing." I could feel myself getting a boner and I could see Mac's boner start to form as well. When he noticed he started to panic.  
"GAH! VAGINAS VAGINA VAGINAS!" He shouted.  
"Well I like a nice vagina."  
"Oh... yeah." Mac replied sheepishly.

I watched him as he brushed his teeth. God he made brushing your teeth so hot. Like he should be in a commercial with models and shit. He was like Brad Pitt, John Stamos, and Johnny Depp in the 80's together with a dash of more hotness and heart from each sexy ass actor.

I decided to ask him a simple question, "Do you want to date?". He spat out the toothpaste and smiled.  
"Yeah I guess so." Mac replied had we wiped his mouth on a towel. I looked right at him in the eyes. "Well..."  
"Well?"  
"Why don't we like, uh, 'go out'?" That was a deep moment. He was my best friend. He had a lot to think about.

───────────────  
6:19 p.m.  
Mac's POV

I could tell he wanted me. He was looking deep down into my soul looking for a yes. But why? I wanted to say yes, but I know I've already angered Him so much already. I need to settle for girls, not guys. "Dennis... I—I can't accept your offer."

His face broke. He was unbelievably broken. Dennis dramatically turned away with his eyes watering.

"I'm not gay. I can't be gay. You know that, right? Because of Him?" I told him pointing up. Dennis started to cry and whine. He hid his face in embarrassment. He went on the floor and crawled into a ball.  
"YOU'RE SUCH A GODDAMN ASSHOLE MAC!" he screamed. "How could my system fail? HOW COULD MY SYSTEM FAIL?!"

He got up, went to medicine cabinet, and poured a lot of pills into his hand. Like twelve.  
"Dennis, please stop" I begged him.  
"No... I want to die." He replied with a cracked voice. He shoved the pills in his mouth before I could stop him. I screamed and ran to my phone dialing 911. I had to watch him slowly let himself die. I heard the front door being unlocked. It was Charlie.  
"HEEYOOO I'M BACK! What's with all of the s— HOLY SHIT!" Charlie panicked and ran to his room to sniff glue. Soon the ambulance arrived. I rode in the car with Dennis by my side crying as the doctors did their weirdness on him.

I was so upset. My best friend tried to kill himself because of me. I couldn't bare it. This has to be God punishing me.


	5. Healing?

───────────────  
4:59 p.m.  
On a Tuesday  
Paddy's Pub  
Mac's POV

I couldn't stop thinking about him. He was the only one in my mind. I couldn't concentrate on anything but him. I wanted to see him be happy and kiss him. I don't know why I kept thinking about him. His lips. His mmmm body. Everything.  
I clocked out as fast as possible and drove to the hospital.

───────────────  
5:29 p.m.  
On a Tuesday  
Hospital  
Dennis' POV

Oh God... where am I? It's so dark...  
"I love you, Dennis." I heard echoing. I felt the warmth of his hand.  
"I—I love you too, Mac." I mumbled half conscious. I slowly opened my eyes to the light and saw his beautiful face. Finally some good fucking face to look at. His eyes were looking into mines. He smiled at me and leaned in for a kiss. As we continued to kiss the heart monitor started to lose control. The nurses ran to only find out we were making out. He broke the kiss.  
"Will you go out with me?" he asked holding my hand. We both smiled. I was so happy and he was too. We started to kiss again as the nurses cooed. This was our moment.

Hours passed by and Mac was still with me. I sat there staring at the hospital food then looked over to find Mac snoring. I giggled. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. When I came back I put my hand on his shoulder and whispered in his ear "Hey."  
My sexy man turned around. "Hi."  
"We should so something naughty." I said quietly as I started to rub him.  
"Like what?"  
"You know..."  
"I can't," Mac sighed. "I haven't popped my cherry yet."  
"Guys don't have cherries Mac." I told him. We stared at each other for a moment as he waiting for the answer he wanted.  
"You know— Whatever, fine." I said rolling my eyes.  
"I'm just not ready yet. I don't even know if I should be doing this Dennis. Maybe this whole thing is a sign from God." Mac said.  
I glared at him. I almost fucking kill myself and I can't even get laid? Do I need to give more of an implication? Mac took notice to my disapproving stare.  
"Like I, uh, love you but a boyfriend would understand that I'm not ready." He whispered. He kissed my neck softly.  
"Well, fine... good." I said half-heartily.  
"Good."

Did he just say good? Like I'm the goddamn girl in the relationship?! I ignored it and shrugged it of. I laid back on the hospital bed.  
"Food, please." I demanded. Mac squinted his eyes.  
"FINE!" He grabbed my food and placed it on my lap.  
"Thank you." He ignored me and tried to go to sleep. Mistake. I threw the apple at his face.  
"OUCH! FUCK, DENNIS!"  
"Oh, did it hurt?" I asked giggling.  
"Fuck you too Dennis." I frowned. There was a moment of complete silence.  
"You know..." Mac said quietly as he looked to the ground. "I only went out with you because you acted like a bitch and tried to kill yourself."  
My heart started to beat faster and faster. Building hatred. Building rage. My eyes watered.  
"GET OUT!" I screamed. Mac stood up and went to the door, but before he went through the entrance I told him with my voice cracking, "Y—Your kisses are fucking repulsive anyway." He gasped and ran out of the room. I started to break down and cry. No longer did I have my best friend. No longer was I dating the man I crushed on for years. Just me and my empty heart.


	6. Breakdown

───────────────  
2:06 a.m.  
On a Wednesday  
Hospital  
Dennis' POV

"DR. MANTIS TOBOGGAN M.D.!" Shouted Frank as he busted through my hospital room's door. I jolted up from my sleep. I rubbed my eyes to see if I was in a nightmare or not — unfortunately I wasn't. He was wearing a cheap doctor's costume and looked like a fat greasy pillow.  
"OH C'MON FRANK! IT'S 2 A.M. YOU FAT SACK OF SHIT!"  
"Where's Mac?" Frank asked ignoring my insult. "I've come to take him home from you."  
"I could give less of a damn where that son of a bitch is."  
"Oh, so you guys going out didn't work?" He asked with insincerity. "I should have known this would have never worked out." I rolled my eyes. "Goodnight, Frank." I said as I tucked under the covers.  
"Look, I don't care if you guys are gay, I care about the orgies, okay? I just don't like orgies."  
"Shut up Frank."  
"You know back when I came back from the war, your mother and I had a threesome with another Vietnamese dude. Gave us both chlamydia—"  
"Oh my god—"  
"I never was able to look at anal sex the same way ever again."  
"CAN YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM ALREADY?!" I screamed.  
"Alright, alright. I'll leave." Frank left the room as mysteriously as he entered that night.

───────────────  
11:30 a.m.  
Paddy's Pub  
Mac's POV

I stayed up all night throwing rocks at the trains with Charlie to get my mind off Dennis. I was exhausted but I did anything to distract myself, which includes doing some Charlie work. I had my earbuds on, listening to "Hospitals for Souls" by Bring Me to the Horizon. I sang along until I saw Dennis walking into the bar while kissing Artemis.  
"Douchebag..." I whispered.  
Dennis heard me and broke the kiss. "Mac, can we talk?"  
I sighed. "Sure." Artemis gave a kiss on his cheek before she left. I gave her a dirty look.

"Can you act like a grown man and get over the fact I like girls Mac?" Dennis asked me with spite.  
"I'm just not ready for sex Dennis," I told him. "You didn't have to run off with your little whore because banging Artemis is more familiar to you."  
"So you're just against my choice of women I date?!" He yelled.  
"Yeah especially when they're only after your money!" I shouted.  
"Bye." Dennis said as he walked behind the bar.  
We have eight hours of work. I used to do all of the fun shit with that twerp. Now it's all the fun is gone. We didn't speak a word for hours. The gang kept asking us what was wrong but I just ignored them like I ignored my gayness.

By the end of work we were almost done with the day. I almost managed to keep my anger in but then he just kept staring at me with those stupid handsome eyes. When I looked back and pretended he wasn't doing anything.  
"I am done. I am fucking done!" I yelled. Frank told me to calm down but ignored him and walked over the Dennis anyway. "You're a fucking asshole but that's why I love you! I spent every moment thinking about you Dennis! Then I finally come out of the closet and you decline me only because you're a whore! I wish you would have died the other night, Dennis! Was our love ever true?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Crying. Crying out. My face turned red while the tears dropped faster.  
"Mac we're at work."  
"FUCK WORK!" I screamed back at him. I leaned over to kiss him. Our lips were so close, but I missed. He pushed me away.  
"I'M DONE!" Dennis shouted back. I felt so weak. He grabbed me by the collar and started punching me. As I started to bleed I continued to tell him, "I love you." But he kept screaming back "SHUT UP!" Charlie and Frank soon ran over and separated us.

───────────────  
8:59 p.m.  
Mac's Apartment

I finally woke up from my long nap. I felt like I was going to vomit. I got up to use the pee bucket. I had a bit hard on. "Shit..." I whispered. I just ignored it. I needed to. My head isn't sexual tonight. I didn't feel horny. I didn't feel sexy. I just stayed up stalking Dennis' social media. His Facebook, Twitter, Instagram... and a MySpace to my surprise. It was blank. "Ugh" I groaned. Then I finally checked my Facebook. I got a notification from Dennis. It was the most fucked up thing EVER! AND HE TAGGED ME IN IT!  
"Vaginas before dicks, right Mac?" I wanted to KILL HIM! I messaged him.

Mac: Dude what the fuck?  
Dennis: What?  
Mac: The post you tagged me in!!!  
Dennis: It's true, you're gay. I believe in vaginas... sex the natural way.  
Mac: So I like guys, what's the big deal?  
Dennis: Sorry we're just not friends.  
Mac: ...  
Dennis: Bye gayyboe.

He unfriended me after that. I guess it was never meant to be.


	7. The New Guy

───────────────  
1:01 p.m.  
On a Thursday  
Outside  
Mac' POV

I woke up that morning in a shitty mood. After I took a shower I wore my black Shane Dawson's "Fuck Up" shirt to reflect the black hole that my soul is. Later when I went on my break I was listened to "In the end" by Black Veil Brides. My headphones were turnt up!

I was walking I bumped into a dude. Not just any dude. He was more of a "man" as you could say. I blushed and looked up at him. He was like "5'10 and I'm like "5'9. I'm like a midget compared to him.  
"Oh I'm sorry I just... uh..." I started while looking at my black vans. He smiled.  
"No biggy." He walked away. His face was so hot. Like Kellin, Andrew, Vic, and Ronnie. Hotness. But I guess I'm just thinking like this because I don't have a guy anymore.

When I got tired I sat down by the closest bench I could find. Being a hot hunk takes a lot of energy out of you. Coincidentally, we spotted each other at the park. He walked over to me.  
"Can I sit by you?" I smiled and nodded. "I'm Rickety by the way— Rickety Cricket."  
"I'm Mac. Call me Mac." I said turning red. I could feel my face getting hot. Rickety Cricket looked at me and shot me a cute smile. "Stop!" I mumbled giggling a bit.  
"Stop what?" He bit his lip.  
"... making my cheeks hurt." I replied scooting closer. I looked right into his beautiful brown eye, and his other damaged eye.  
"We're matching..." He chuckled.  
"No my eyes are healthy. Your's has a scar on the one eye." He made his bad eye sparkled. I blushed.  
"Well I have to go. I'll see you around, pretty boy." We both chuckled. After he left I put on my headphones and played My Chemical Romance's "The World is Ugly." I have a good feeling about Rickety Cricket.


	8. Bathroom Chat

───────────────  
2:45 p.m.  
On a Friday  
Paddy's Pub  
Mac' POV

I walked in to quickly take a tinkle. I had five minutes before Frank would yell at me and assume i'm jacking off again. The bathrooms were disgusting, full of graffitis and the smell of piss. I went to the cleanest urinal I could find and unzipped my pants. I continued as I let out a soft moan. "Ahhh."  
"Your moan... is so fucking hot." A sexy voice said. I shook it and put it back in my boxers.  
"Hello?" I asked looking around. I couldn't see anyone. I quickly washed my hands and played with the suds in the sink. I giggled. Once I was done drying and about to leave the room, I felt something push me against a wall.

"Sorry I took so long, but I wanted you to finish up." Rickety Cricket said.  
"Cricket..." I whispered blushing lightly.  
"Hello."  
"W-what are you doing here? How did you find me?"  
"I couldn't get that cute ass out of my mind so I followed it." Rickety admitted.  
"So you're going to mess around with me?"  
"Kind of," he winked. "we haven't even started yet." He leaned in to kiss me. As we continued to make out he started putting his tongue in deeper. I moaned while he rub my nips. He bit my lips causing them to bleed.  
"Ouch!" I yelped. Rickety licked off the blood. Without warning he unbuttoned his pants, revealing his Stickety Dicket.  
"You want it, right? Then suck it." I swallowed hard. I never gave a guy a blowjob before. Charlie came in seeing me giving the blowjob.  
"Oh shit!" I whispered.  
"Suck it!" He commanded.  
"But Char—"  
"OH. OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HERE?!" Charlie screeched covering his eyes. Cricket glared at him for a moment.  
"You will walk away." Rickety Cricket commanded. Charlie didn't say a word and left. What the fuck just happened?

I ran out of bathroom panicked. How did I get myself into this mess? Dennis saw me breathing heavily. Worried he asked me, "Are you okay?"  
"I think so." I lied. I have no idea how safe I am anymore.


	9. Best Friend

───────────────  
5:45 p.m.  
On a Friday  
Outside  
Mac' POV

I was walking back home after that eventful day at work. I walked passed Dennis and his gang of whores.  
"TAKE A PICTURE ARTEMIS IT'LL LAST LONGER YAH SLUT!" I screamed at them turning red. I started to run and miraculously bumped into Rickety Cricket.  
"Hi." He greeted. He leaned in for a kiss, but I turned away.  
"What's wrong?" Rickety asked.  
"Nothing, don't worry."  
"But..."  
"What?"  
"You want me." I said looking down.  
"Yes I do. All of you." He said chuckling while he checked me out. He licked his lips.  
"But I don't think I'm ready... I think I still might—"  
He cut me off before I could finished telling him I think I still loved Dennis.  
"He doesn't even love you." he said. Rickety squinted his eyes and grinned at me. I frowned.  
"Maybe you're right, he doesn't even love me..." I said almost about to cry. He lifted my head up high and kissed me passionately.  
"Don't cry, you have me."   
We started making out near his apartment building, one of the first places where I felt the tingles for him. Dennis walked passed us and was about to yell at me, but before he could Rickety Cricket got down on his knees.  
"Cricket..." I whispered trying to make him stop. He held my hand and kissed it.  
"Don't you see our connection? I feel so much love around us Mac..." He said looking up at me. I blushed. "Will you go out with me?" I blushed bright red. My jaw dropped.  
"WHY THE FUCK NOT?!" I screamed. I quickly got on my knees and hugged him. Dennis frowned and walked away.

I ignored him. I'm over that bitch. He lied. He threw an apple at me. He only dated me for my body. I don't need fake people in my life. Rickety Cricket and I continued to make out under the tree. Fuck, it was hot. People thought Cricket was a girl when they passed by. Then I realized the time: 6:02.   
"Shit." I mumbled. I forgot today was me and Frank's foot massage day. "Sorry dude, I have to go and see my roommate. I'll talk to you later." I kissed his cheek goodbye.  
"Bye!" Cricket yelled while waving.

Once I made it home, Frank yelled at me. As punishment, I had to rub his feet for five minutes longer.  
"Ah yeah that's the good shit." Frank grunted while i rubbed his feet. The sounds that came out of his mouth me uncomfortable. "So why were you late?"  
"I got a boyfriend!"  
"Oh God, are you going to have an orgy with him?" Frank asked in disgust.  
"What?— No." I assured him. "I think I'm going to invite him over if that's okay."  
"Yeah whatever. Just don't have me involved."  
"Oh trust me Frank," I sighed. "No one wants you involved in anything."

I couldn't wait, but Dennis needed to come. He's like a brother who was also my ex-boyfriend. But a exe and a boyfriend should never be in the same room. Ever.


	10. A Date? For Three?

───────────────  
4:51 p.m.  
On a Saturday  
Mac's Apartment  
Mac' POV

I invited Charlie to come over to do all of the cleaning in exchange for some cheese. He was jumping around the apartment trying to make the place look, smell, and even "taste" perfect. I know, what the fuck? I don't understand either.   
I came from the spare room wearing dark dress pants and a grey polo. Charlie convinced me to wear a tie. It was my favorite. It had skulls on it. I smiled while doing my hair. Meanwhile, Charlie was also getting ready. Once we were done we sat there waiting. I was looking all suitys!  
"How do I look?" Charlie asked.  
"W-T-F!" I exclaimed. "You look stunning as shit."  
"What does that stand for again?"  
"What the fuck."  
"Oh shit, you mean it doesn't stand for 'wear those fanny packs?'"  
"N-no..."  
"That explains why Dee was mad at me earlier."

Before I could ask what he was talking about, someone knocked on the door. It was Rickety Cricket.  
"Hi." I said smiling. Rickety gave me a kiss on the cheek. Charlie peaked behind me to see what was going on. He recognized Rickety at the door.  
"Oh shit, wasn't this the dude who you gave a blow—"  
"Yes." I interrupted him. "It's all good."  
Rickety Cricket and I sat across from each other on a cheap, dirty plastic fold-up table. We talked while Charlie was pretending to cook the store-bought chicken. He wanted the dinner to be "authentic." I have no clue what he meant but I just allowed him to do his shit anyway. In the middle of our conversation, I heard a knock on the door. Who could that be? I answered the door, it was Dennis.  
"Oh, hey dick face." Dennis greeted. "I just came to drop off Charlie's phone." Rickety Cricket and Dennis glared at each other.   
"Care to join us?" Rickety asked Dennis. "If you don't mind our make-out sessions, that is." Dennis nodded with a suspicious grin. Oh boy, this isn't going to be good.

───────────────  
5:15 p.m.  
Dennis' POV

Seeing Mac and Rickety Cricket together made me mad. Once Mac left the room, I asked Rickety if we could have a chat. Mac blew a kiss to Rickety and pretended to catch it. Jesus Christ.  
"How are you liking my ex-brother?" I said in anger.  
"Very much."  
"Why did you invite me on your date?" I asked.   
"To make sure you know... Mac is mine." He told me as he shoved me against the wall. I starting choking him.  
"Fucking serious?" I hissed.  
"He has a great ass." said Rickety. I nodded. I can't argue with that.  
"But still... stay away from him."  
"Make me." He stuck his tongue at me and winked. Ew.

───────────────  
5:25 p.m.  
Mac' POV

I didn't mean to take as long as I did. Charlie placed our pee bucket outside so my place would look more "classy". I ran up the stairs and opened the door.  
"Heyooo— HOLY SHIT!" I yelled. Rickety Cricket and Dennis and were fighting. Rickety continuing to punch Dennis while he joked Rickety.  
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" I yelled. I put my hands on my head in disbelief.   
"Uh..."  
"Hi." They separated and turned away from each other.  
I walked in the corner of the room and covered my face in embarrassment. Are you fucking serious? Why are they even fighting over me! Dennis dumped me and told me vaginas are better than dicks! And where was Charlie? He should have prevented this!  
"Where did Charlie go?" I asked the two.  
"I think he said he was going out to get some herbs." Dennis replied. Speak of the devil, Charlie came back with his hands full of grass.  
"I got some uh... baby leaves? Bird leaves? Anyway, I think this will make the chicken taste great."  
"GODDAMNIT CHARLIE WHY WEREN'T YOU HERE?" I yelled. "THEY GOT IN A FIGHT!"  
"I HAD TO GO AND GET SOME BAY LEAVES FOR THE CHICKEN, OKAY MAC!" Charlie explained flailing his arms up.  
"THOSE AREN'T EVEN LEAVES THAT'S JUST GRASS CHARLIE!"  
"D-don't question the chef, Mac. Art takes patience to master." Charlie said. He sprinkled the grass on the roasted chicken. I sighed.   
"Whatever, lets just eat."

We all at down and ate in silence. It was the most awkward dinner I've ever had. A couple minutes passed, and I heard the door being opened. It was Frank. We all stared at him for a moment.  
"No, no, no!" Frank yelled. "Not with Charlie and a homeless dude! Damn it Mac I knew being gay would change you!"  
"Frank we're just—" I began to explain. Before I could finish Frank interrupted me by flaring his hairy nostrils.   
"Is that chicken?"  
"... Yes." Charlie answered.  
"I'm taking some of that." He grabbed a leg and bit off some of the meat. "Wow what's this green stuff? Very delicious."  
"Oh those are some bird leaves." Charlie replied. Dennis and I groaned and rolled our eyes.  
"Nice. Well I'm going back and banging some whores. Don't get into an orgy while I'm gone, Mac."  
"Okay Frank."

Once he left the room, the feeling of dread washed over me as the silence resumed.


	11. Dreams

_Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop._  
It fell. It dropped.  
In my hands.  
Blood was dripping in my hands.  
A banana appeared. It melted into me.  
A mirror shattered.  
Rickety Cricket appeared with his eyes glowing red.  
Dennis appeared with his eyes glowing blue.  
Rickety Cricket tried to bite my neck. Dennis was trying to fight him off but I allowed Rickety to bite me.  
I bled as I fell on the floor. Before my vision went blurry I saw Rickety grin, exposing his rotten teeth. 

───────────────  
9:20 a.m.  
On a Sunday  
Mac's apartment  
Mac's POV

I woke up from a dreadful dream. It felt oddly realistic. Maybe that was a sign from God about Rickety Cricket? I shrugged it off. It was probably just a weird dream. I got out of bed and walked into the shower. I stared at myself in the mirror. I felt drained. I think I need a shower.  
When I came out of the shower I went to check on my phone. I had a missed call from Dee. I called her back.

"Hello Dee." I groaned. "Why did you call me?"  
"So you know that Rickety Cricket guy you've been banging?"  
"We're not smashing." I told her.  
"Oh. Anyway, before Rickety Cricket became homeless he was like super into me."  
I laughed. "Yeah, right. Goodbye Dee."  
"GODDAMNIT MAC FINE!" She shouted through the phone before I could end the call. "I GUESS YOU DON'T NEED TO HEAR HIS SECRET."  
"His secret?"  
"Yeah, dickface. Come over at six and we can talk about it more."  
She hung up. I don't really want to see her but I need to know Rickety's secret.

───────────────  
6:00 p.m.  
Dee's apartment  
Mac's POV

I knocked on Dee's door. She unlocked it.  
"Wow, you're never here early." Dee said.  
"Yeah, well, this is important to me, alright?" I told her.   
"Okay, sit down then." She ordered me. "Rickety Cricket is not who you think he is." I raised my eyebrow.  
"What do you mean?"  
"I'll explain soon. Once I tell you, I might die." Dee closed her blinds and lit up some candles. What the hell is she doing?  
"Rickety Cricket is a... homeless drug addict." Thunder roared. The power went off for a minute. I felt my heart drop.  
"Huh," She mumbled. "I didn't expect the thunder to happen."  
"You're lying! Rickety Cricket is the nicest, most attractive man I have ever met!" I yelled.  
"He's a street rat who snorts crack." Dee told me.  
I sat there rubbing my eyes. I guess he does look kind of homeless.  
"Do you remember Mathew Mara from high school?" She asked me.  
"Oh yeah! He was such a scrawny little nerd. I wonder what he's doing now?"  
"You... don't remember?" Dee said with attitude. "He became a priest. You guys wanted me to flirt with him a couple years ago so he could bless our Jesus stain?"  
"Hmm. No."  
"HOW DO YOU NOT REMEMBER!" Dee squawked.  
"I DON'T KNOW YOU STUPID BIRD!" I shouted back at her.  
"LOOK, ASS FACE!" Dee yelled. She shoved her senior yearbook in my face, pointing at a someone who looked like Rickety. "That's him? See? Mathew Mara is Rickety Cricket."   
I laid down on the couch and hid my face on her pillow. I yelled. How could I have not recognized it before? I don't think I can be with him anymore know that I know who he really is.

I lifted my face off the pillow. "Wait, how did he become homeless?" I questioned her.  
"I think he quitted the priesthood for me like some sucker. Then he started doing drugs. I see him by my building sometimes. His brain is so cooked he doesn't even remember me, and probably doesn't remember you either."  
I looked down at my shoes and frowned. "Oh... So what's with the candles and shit?"  
"I'm trying a new character named Crystal Hart. She's a talented psychic who came from Arabia and—"  
"Okay, okay! Stop squawking you big bird." I complained as I got up to leave.   
Before I opened the door, I felt my phone vibrate. It was a message from Charlie, which read: Rackit Dnice r icing! Pls over asap!  
"Who is that?" Dee asked.   
"Charlie. He trying to text me but I don't know what the fuck he's saying."  
"Let me see." Dee said as she grabbed my phone out of my hand. She stared at my phone for a moment. "Oh! He's telling you that Dennis and Rickety Cricket are having a fight and you should come over asap."  
"SHIT! I got go then." I said as I stormed out of her apartment. I hope I'm not too late.

───────────────  
6:15 p.m.  
Dennis' apartment  
Dennis' POV

"Why am I here?" Rickety Cricket asked.  
"I don't trust you. I want you to know that if you lay a hand on Mac I will kill you."  
Rickety Cricket laughed. "I've already touched him... everywhere!"  
"But I already tasted him." I said. Cricket glared at me.  
"Fight me then." He growled. I punched him on the side of the face. He punched back. Moments later we ended up on the floor, strangling and kicking each other. Charlie woke up from his nap and tried to stop us.  
"HEY! WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, WOAH!" He yelled as he tried to get in the middle of us. Rickety accidentally kicked Charlie on his shin and collapsed. "HOLY FUCK DUDE THAT HURT!" He wailed. Charlie then pulled out his phone and started texting. "I'm calling Mac."  
The ass-kicking continued. Cricket was starting to bleed. He was losing significantly.   
"I'm here!" I heard Mac shout. Finally, my sweet prince came to the rescue. He ran over and pushed Rickety off of me.  
"GET OFF OF HIM YOU DISGUSTING INSECT!" He shouted at him.  
"What the FUCK do you mean?!" He screamed at Mac. He started to tear up a little.  
"I'm sorry but I think we need to see other people." Mac said quietly. Cricket got angry. He grabbed a knife out of his pocket and grazed Mac's with it, causing a deep wound to his abdomen.  
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Mac exclaimed.  
"You were a waste of my time. We're done." Cricket said.  
"NO SHIT!" Mac yelled. Cricket left the room.

Charlie ran up to grab a dirty towel from the kitchen to attend Mac's wound. I held him up.  
"C'mon dude, lets take you to the hospital." I told him.  
Mac shot me a cute smile at me weakly. "Yeah, I'd like that." Charlie ran over to help me hold Mac as we walked to my car.


	12. In the End

───────────────  
10:02 a.m.  
On a Monday  
Hospital  
Dennis' POV

I came in as soon as visiting hours were open. I quickly found Mac in laying in his bed. Mac's eyes widened when I entered.  
"Woah, you're early." He said.  
"Yeah, I just wanted to make sure you were okay." I replied. We both smiled.  
"The doc said I can leave in a few hours. I just need to be careful so I don't fuck up the scars."  
I sighed in relief. "I'm glad that's all that happened."  
"Me too." Mac said. There was a moment of silence.  
"Hey Dennis?" He asked.  
"Yeah?"   
"Lets pretend this shit never happened."   
I was quite hurt at first that he would suggested that, but I can't help but agree with him. This whole attempt at being romantic with Mac has been awful. My system failed and we got onto each other's asses to the point to where we have both been in the hospital now. Besides, I don't think the gang would be able to handle "us" very well.  
"Yeah, being in a relationship would have never worked out anyway. It would have fucked the gang's dynamic." I admitted.  
"It really would have. Probably worse than that ugly baby Dee had."  
"You mean the egg she hatched?" I snickered. We both laughed.

"STOP MAKING BIRD JOKES OUT OF ME!" Dee yelled. Charlie and Frank followed behind her.  
"Look who just flocked over here." Mac joked. Everyone laughed except Dee.  
"Oh sorry, did he ruffle your feathers Dee?" Charlie shot back at her. She frowned and crossed her arms.  
"I DON'T LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN BIRD!" She yelled.   
"Shut your beak Dee." Frank said. Everyone broke out into laughter except Dee again.  
"Hey, lets get the hell out of here. I need a drink." Mac suggest. We all got out of the room, going back to what we always were: alcoholic assholes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey thanks for actually reading this! :^) also please note that again none of this is serious at all lmao


End file.
